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Been listening to my favorite

August 9, 2003

Been listening to my favorite band’s newest album a lot lately. The album “The Beautiful Letdown” by Switchfoot has been a tremendous influence to me the last few weeks. The whole album is good. Switchfoot is changing their sound just a little (a little bit “harder”… don’t ya love the vague, subjective terms used to describe music…), but the lyrics are still staying just as impactful.

Their album “Learning to Breathe” is what got me through the summer of 2001. I wanted to give up that summer. I wanted to quit. I ached so much inside. Felt so alone and useless. That album, those songs, challenged me to “pull myself up off the floor.” “Learning to Breathe” challenged me to live, to persevere. “The Beautiful Letdown” challenges the way I think about how I view my life, my existence, my American lifestyle, my true home.

There are a few choice songs on there that are just incredible… “Meant to Live,” “Redemption,” “Gone,” and the title track, “Beautiful Letdown.” Let me share some lyrics with you.

from the song “Meant to Live”

Dreaming about providence and
whether mice and men have second tries.
Maybe we’ve been living with our eyes half open,
maybe we’re bent and broken.

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside.

from the song “Redemption”

(the chorus)
I’ve got my hand in redemption’s side
These scars are bigger than these doubts of mine.
I’ll fit all of my monstrosities inside
and I’ll come alive.

from the song “Gone”

Life is more than money, time was never money
Time was never cash, life is still more than girls.
Life is more than hundred dollar bills and roto-tom fills,
Life is more than fame and rock and roll and thrills,
All the riches of the kings end up in wills
We’ve got information in the information age
but do we know what life is outside of our convenient Lexus cages?

the song “The Beautiful Letdown”

It was a beautiful let down
when I crashed and burned
when I found myself alone, unknown and hurt.

It was a beautiful let down
the day I knew
that all the riches this world had to offer me
would never do

In a world full of bitter pain
and bitter doubt was trying so hard to fit in,
until I found out

I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here
I will carry a cross and a song
where I don’t belong

It was a beautiful let down
when you found me here
and for once in a rare blue moon
I see everything clear

I’ll be a beautiful let down
that’s what I’ll forever be
and though it may cost my soul
I’ll sing for free.

We’re still chasing our tails
and the rising sun
and our dark water planet
still spins in a race
where no one wins
and no one’s one.

I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here
I’m gonna set sight and set sail for the kingdom come.
Your kingdom come.
Won’t you let me down!
Let my foolish pride forever let me down.

Easy living, you’re not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same.
Would please take me off your list?
Easy living, please come on and let me down.

What a beaufitul let down
painfully uncool
The church of the drop outs, the losers,
the sinners, the failures, and the fools.
What a beautiful let down
are we salt in the wound?
Let us sing one true tune.

I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here
It feels like I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here
It goes like I don’t belong here
No I don’t belong
Would you let me down?
Come on and let me down
You always let me down
I’m so glad I’m let down
Come on and let me down
Cause I don’t belong here
Please, won’t you let me down?

When I stop, really stop, take the time to take this last song in, let the music pour in to all I am, let the words become mine, the song literally brings me to tears. I have felt like such a let down lately. To my wife, to my God. I hate work. Not because I don’t like the environment, or I don’t like the mechanics of the job itself, not because I don’t like my boss or the people I work with. I hate work because I sometime feel like I’m way too in to it. It has become too much a part of me. It’s all about money. I am there to save the company money. I am there to be a tight wad. It doesn’t matter if the carriers deserve the money, if they don’t invoice for it, well, that’s tough crap for them. “They should know better. They should run their business better.” I’ve told people at work that. Do I believe that? Is that the level of business integrity that I have been called to? Have I taken work too seriously and let it penetrate into who I am? I’m afraid so. The trouble is I don’t how to make it stop, let alone reverse the process.

I don’t feel like such a let down to my wife the past couple of days. If you had asked me three days ago, well that’s another story. I would have told you I am an absolute failure as a husband. We weren’t connecting. I didn’t want to be around her, not because she was doing anything to bother me or because she was hurting me or anything. I just didn’t. The past couple of days have been a remarkable improvement, praise and glory to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for that. We spent the last couple of nights watching surprisingly good movies, planning trips we may or may not ever take, and dreaming together. Learning about each other all over again. Being up front and honest and just letting the truth fall as it does. Trying not to censor our thoughts and feelings with each other (within reason obviously). Though there have been times in the last 72 hours that I have felt again like a failure, on the whole, things are looking up.

But perhaps the biggest reason I feel like a let down is because of the way (or lack thereof) I�ve been relating to my God lately. I�ve been having the hardest time praying. I have felt disconnected from Him.

Crying is a very, very good thing. Be honest with God. Get mad at Him. He can take it.

I�m not letting them down. But I am a let down.

I’ll be a beautiful let down
that’s what I’ll forever be
and though it may cost my soul
I’ll sing for free.

�In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ��

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