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October 20, 2005

I am woefully aware of my own sin right now.

‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home,

But I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle to you

I’ve been torn lately.  "The cross is both beautiful and offensive… If we seek to neuter the Gospel, just to rob it of its great offense and therefore its great beauty, then it’s no longer the Gospel we’re preaching to people." (more D. Webb)  Following Jesus is not "a normal part of everday life."  It’s not a part, it’s all or nothing.  At least that’s the way Jesus described it. 

And yet I’ve allowed it to become that.

As I sit at break or lunch at work, playing D & D Miniatures with a couple buddies, getting upset about a crappy roll or getting screwed cause I didn’t know one of his guys could do that, I wonder if I am influencing him more or if he is influencing me more.  It’s a game.

As I drive home, with the possibility that a highlight of my day could be sitting down to a fresh game of Madden 2004, I wonder what my priorities are.  It’s a game.

As I sit in a chair waiting for Lost to come back on, my wife asks me to go check on Elizabeth cause she’s crying.  Sure.  Listen, she’s stopped crying.  Can you please go check on her anyway?  Huh, wha?  She’s fine.  Oh, and Lost just came back on.  My upset wife storms up the stairs.  It’s a TV show.  Or it’s my wife and my daughter.

Watched a PBS show this past weekend talking about various religions in America.  The Palau DC Festival was showcased and that’s where I first got wind of Palau’s thought that following Christ is a normal part of life.  Hit me square in the jaw and I immediately disagreed.  Amazing how my theory and my practice can be so segregated.

What am I doing to advance the Kingdom?  Why do I not study Greek, though I have the faculties and the resources to do so?  Why do I not invest more into my wife and daughter, but instead want to find a way to play a video game and appease them at the same time?  Why do I not share the things going on inside my heart and head with my wife, the one person with whom I’ve chosen to spend my life?  Why do I not do things that are eternal?

Right now, it’s hard to see what I do for the Kingdom, or even what I should be doing.  I know that loving my wife and my daughter are eternal things.  Playing Madden by myself for the sake of playing is not eternal.  Working and being faithful in that work is eternal.  Playing D&D Miniatures so I can develop a relationship with my buddy?  Maybe.

How can I live with more intentionality?  It tires me out.  I see Christians live with that sort of intentionality and I can’t imagine how they do it.  I see them and think them unwise for not resting.  But what of me, the guy who comes home, sees that Elizabeth’s mother and aunt are there, and proceeds to check out to the voices of Al and John?  I know that rest is important (heck, it made it on the Ten Commandments).  I know that solitude is important (I’m thinking I should probably try to do things that Jesus did).  But where the heck is the line?  I feel like I was walking along a chalky dirt road, saw the line coming up, somebody ran ahead and scuffled the dirt where the line was so I couldn’t see it, and I just keep walking, still looking for the line.

So could you love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side

‘Cause I am so easily satisfied

By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

How do I live the radical life to which Christ has called me?  He doesn’t call to impossible things.  Yet right now my life seems mundane, far away from the dreams for which I long.  I’m not on a plane flying to Nigeria to teach with the Kaysers.  Heck, I’m not even traveling back across the country so I can teach at my alma mater.  So right now, am I in Damascus?  Would living a radical life be harder or easier if I were in the midst of my dreams?

Regardless of the answer to that, how do I live a radical life now?  No qualifiers, no excuses.  How do I do it?

Well, tis long enough for now.  Though I do wish I wrote like this more often.

Just wanted to be honest with you and tell you what’s up in Hutch land.  Didn’t want to deceive the Body and whoever else might be reading.

Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife

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One Comment leave one →
  1. October 20, 2005 2:21 pm

    Thank you, Hutch. I feel like I’m in a similar place in life. There is this deep feeling of desperation…anway, I wanted to remind you (and me) of the grace, too. Here’s some lyrics from another song by The Waiting on their Blue Belly Sky album.

    “I love the way You look at me,

    the way You steer Your eyes to see

    the bride beneath the harlot’s skin,

    the virtue underneath the sin

    I love the way You look at me,

    when You lift the veil and You repeat Your vow…”

    Be encouraged…the king is enthralled by your beauty.

    If you want to see the rest of the lyrics go here: http://www.top50lyrics.com/w/waiting-lyrics-4876/lookatme-lyrics-1196524.html

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