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The past few days

March 10, 2008

The past few days have been a conglomeration of weirdness. Weird emotions. Weird tingling/numb feelings in my leg and foot. Weird happenings. I haven’t known how to take it all honestly. I haven’t even really processed it.

It has been difficult knowing how best to relate to other people, especially my wife. I have wanted nothing more than to slink away to a cave somewhere and just be left alone. This doesn’t exactly make for prime husbandly qualities coming out in a flourish.

I think the most frustrating aspect of all of this has been the way that lies have filtered into my thoughts and I have struggled (this being an underwhelming choice of word as it nowhere begins to describe the utter conflict it has been) believing even the most basic truths about my relationship with Steph. You know, things like: she loves me, that she likes being around me, that she finds me attractive.

I wish I knew exactly where it’s stemming from.  I have general ideas, but none of them work in isolation so it’s hard to nail down what is most responsible.  I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, but some days I do.  I don’t want to pin the whole thing on Satan, though I know that he plays a large role in the matter. I don’t want to ignore the feelings as that obviously hasn’t worked thus far.

I suppose it would help if I truly believed (read: acted like) God loved me. I have a feeling this is going to have to be a matter of will dictating emotion rather than the other way around.

If you think of it, would you pray for me? Thanks.

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